today, we found a company focused on meat-centric food products.

yup.  i'm totally fucking applying.

why are all the available jobs in shitty bottom feeder industries?

seriously, job postings read like a fucking who's who of the most disreputable industries and organizations America has ever spawned:

check cashers / pay day loaners
pharma sales
private colleges
gentleman's clubs
"home warranty of America" (cause that sounds like it's not taking advantage of anyone)

or this, which is possibly the saddest fucking thing i've ever seen:

We are looking for an ambitious and experienced eBay seller to start an eBay store for Value Pawn.  Hours and pay will be discussed during interview.  Spelling is very important in the use of communicating with customers.

we are all broke and doomed.

Vlad the Red

still more bitter

well mes pauvres, it has been too long and i owe you an explanation.

you see i had a job:  one golden shining moment (well, six months) of private sector employment.  i was happy.  things were looking up.  regular pay for regular work was beginning to seem a habit.  it was my field and i was good.

clearly, this could not stand.  the world does not have enough foul mouthed employer postings.  and as it is never my style to do things half way, MY lay-off came out of the blue at 8:40 on a monday morning with exactly no notice and $200 in compensation.

(in fairness, we do understand this is how today's professional firms operate when they hire professionals with a mortgage and over two decade's experience.)

so i am very sorry to be away so long but:  WE ARE BACK BITCHES AND MORE BITTER THAN EVER!!

also, here is an employment ad i found with some awkward looking actors posing in a bare room with a beige area rug and a white radiator.  i'm pretty sure that one dude is wearing a 'shirkette' and that no one is getting a fucking bonus.

fucking 'Personal Assistant' position requires proustian cover letter. employer is wanker.

Highly capable and resourceful personal assistant

---

the usual blather:

I'm looking for a personal assistant to handle a wide range of miscellaneous tasks for me. The job would be part time and would require between 4 and 15 hours per week.

then the specifics (and please note fucking typo...):

For relevant context, I currently own a fast growing business and have an assistant but she's too busy to handle many personal matters for me. (or maybe that's just not her fucking job?)  For example, I'm trying to find a tutor right now to teach my kids how to code software and she doesn't have time to run the search (or maybe as a fucking parent you should be fucking doing this yourself?). Or, for another example, I'm trying to find an experienced or aspiring entrepreneur to run a technology company that I'm funding. (or maybe you could find the bloody entrepreneur yourself if you just posted this on - oh, i don't know, - craigslist?).  There would be other responsibilities such as organizing and filing things at my house, arranging travel, hiring people to get my oil changed, etc.  I'm looking for someone who's highly competent.  Some of these tasks are challenging and will require creativity and hustle.

yeah, i don't know.  'getting your oil changed' doesn't really require 'hustle'.  or much 'creativity'. 

but then, the real fun:
If you're interested, please answer the following questions:
1. Why does this position interest you?  it doesn't.  not at all.  but i need a goddamn job.
2. Why do you think you'd be good at it?  you're looking for a serf.  rick perry could do that.
3. How would your best friend describe you? often annoyed by fools.
4. What makes you qualified for this position?  you're looking for a serf, etc.
5. Are you a PC or Mac user?  what you actually meant to ask me, asshole, is what my computer skills are.
6. What kind of mobile phone do you have and why?  fuck off.

Application instructions:
1. Please write "personal assistant" in the subject of your email. If the subject is not correct, your submission will be deleted.   $10 an hour, 4-15 hours a week motherfucker.
2. Please include your resume. no shit sherlock.
3. Please include the answers of the questions in the body of your email, not in an attached document.

god.  i hate theses twats.  ...i should probably apply, shouldn't i?

Publishing Company Seeking 6-7 Attractive Girls for Research Project

(More Jobs for Whores)

Beginning November 20, 2011 our progressive and fun publishing agency is seeking an extraordinary team of 6-7 young female models/talent/companions for interpersonal-interaction with our affable & established clients. The team will be present at black tie events and business parties and will socialize and interact with our most affluent clients. This is a great networking opportunity as well as an opportunity to eat at the nicest restaurants and finest establishments in Chicago. Please send 1-2 unbrushed photos. Include references and work history.

 

though to be fair, nothing is misspelled here.  and 'interpersonal-interaction' is a fucking awesome euphemism.

Business Company Expanding for the rigth canidates

 

here are some things this fucking 'business company' requires:

• Professional Image an asset
• Should have good communication skills
Hourly, Bonus and Commissions programs available for the rigth canidates

i just hope to hell i am one of the rigth ones.

if this is what my fucking 'job search agent' thinks, my fucking 'job search agent' needs to be fired.

i do not know who 'iCIMS' is, but me?  i'm in marketing.