Tuesday, March 29, 2011

company uses acronyms irresponsibly, thinks maybe it is the fucking pentagon.

i don't even really need to comment do i?

Business Development Associate (Chicago)
'CompanyIMadeUpHere' is seeking a Business Development Associate (BDA) for our Sales team. This position will work closely with the Managing Director (MD) of Mergers & Acquisitions (M&A) and the Business Development Managers (BDM) to help build and cultivate relationships with potential Merger & Acquisitions (M&A) and Consulting Clients.

The responsibilities of the individual in this position include:
• Work directly with the MD of M&A in identifying potential sell-side targets for our various buy-side Clients.
• Partner with the Business Development Manager (BDM) to maximize market penetration and increase Clients.
• Develop and maintain new and existing relationships with Clients via telephone.

i think what i like most in all of this jargon-y fabulous-ness is how 'Clients' is capitalized.  like for some reason capitalizing will confer the requisite fairy dust and make Client happy - and spendy.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

does this job posting make you think of other things?

here is the offer: 

Assistant - $4800/m

Assistant - $4800/m

This position is part-time Monday - Friday, 10am - 2pm. Candidate must be able to work in a fast passed team environment. Provide full office support including all general office duties. Candidate should be outgoing and have a sense of urgency to get the job done.

Please send resume or cover letter with contact info to : somethingimadeuphere.com

research reveals it's:
a 'transport company'
based in russia
all package handling is done manually
clients are in UAE, kazakhstan, pakistan, iran
i'm tots fucking applying for this job.  sorry sid.

HAHAHAHAHA company requires "automated phone-based interview"

for $15 / hour administrative assistant job. 

fuck yeah i applied:

I have a wide variety of skills and experiences.  I also have a driver’s license.  I hope you’ll consider my resume and I look forward to your automated phone based interview.

i will of course post any resultant interview.  (*rubs hands with glee*).  what is it with these $10-$15 an hour assholes?  require fucking security level clearance...

UPDATE: HAHAHAHAHAHA i haz fucking been approved!!

i will return soon mes pauvres: we will be VICTORIOUS!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Water cooler supervisor few hours/week

Date: 2011-02-25, 11:48PM CST
Reply to: somethingimadeuphere@craigslist.org

Water cooler supervisor few hours/week.  For only few hours weekly we are offering a one time opportunity.

whoah whoa whoa, wtf???? 

ok, let's try and parse this fucking thing, shall we?

  • why do water coolers require supervision?
  • why do water coolers require supervision only a few hours every week?
  • if (as the legend has it) employees assemble around water coolers, who is supervising whom?
  • if employees do indeed congregate, why can't they do the water cooler supervising?
  • are you offering this opportunity for only a few hours?
  • are you offering an opportunity that only requires a few hours?
  • how can you be offering a 'one time only opportunity' every week?

this is just so complicated we think we will pass on the job offer.  also, it's fucking water cooler supervision...