fucking 'Personal Assistant' position requires proustian cover letter. employer is wanker.

Highly capable and resourceful personal assistant

---

the usual blather:

I'm looking for a personal assistant to handle a wide range of miscellaneous tasks for me. The job would be part time and would require between 4 and 15 hours per week.

then the specifics (and please note fucking typo...):

For relevant context, I currently own a fast growing business and have an assistant but she's too busy to handle many personal matters for me. (or maybe that's just not her fucking job?)  For example, I'm trying to find a tutor right now to teach my kids how to code software and she doesn't have time to run the search (or maybe as a fucking parent you should be fucking doing this yourself?). Or, for another example, I'm trying to find an experienced or aspiring entrepreneur to run a technology company that I'm funding. (or maybe you could find the bloody entrepreneur yourself if you just posted this on - oh, i don't know, - craigslist?).  There would be other responsibilities such as organizing and filing things at my house, arranging travel, hiring people to get my oil changed, etc.  I'm looking for someone who's highly competent.  Some of these tasks are challenging and will require creativity and hustle.

yeah, i don't know.  'getting your oil changed' doesn't really require 'hustle'.  or much 'creativity'. 

but then, the real fun:
If you're interested, please answer the following questions:
1. Why does this position interest you?  it doesn't.  not at all.  but i need a goddamn job.
2. Why do you think you'd be good at it?  you're looking for a serf.  rick perry could do that.
3. How would your best friend describe you? often annoyed by fools.
4. What makes you qualified for this position?  you're looking for a serf, etc.
5. Are you a PC or Mac user?  what you actually meant to ask me, asshole, is what my computer skills are.
6. What kind of mobile phone do you have and why?  fuck off.

Application instructions:
1. Please write "personal assistant" in the subject of your email. If the subject is not correct, your submission will be deleted.   $10 an hour, 4-15 hours a week motherfucker.
2. Please include your resume. no shit sherlock.
3. Please include the answers of the questions in the body of your email, not in an attached document.

god.  i hate theses twats.  ...i should probably apply, shouldn't i?

Publishing Company Seeking 6-7 Attractive Girls for Research Project

(More Jobs for Whores)

Beginning November 20, 2011 our progressive and fun publishing agency is seeking an extraordinary team of 6-7 young female models/talent/companions for interpersonal-interaction with our affable & established clients. The team will be present at black tie events and business parties and will socialize and interact with our most affluent clients. This is a great networking opportunity as well as an opportunity to eat at the nicest restaurants and finest establishments in Chicago. Please send 1-2 unbrushed photos. Include references and work history.

 

though to be fair, nothing is misspelled here.  and 'interpersonal-interaction' is a fucking awesome euphemism.

Business Company Expanding for the rigth canidates

 

here are some things this fucking 'business company' requires:

• Professional Image an asset
• Should have good communication skills
Hourly, Bonus and Commissions programs available for the rigth canidates

i just hope to hell i am one of the rigth ones.

if this is what my fucking 'job search agent' thinks, my fucking 'job search agent' needs to be fired.

i do not know who 'iCIMS' is, but me?  i'm in marketing.

Today is the day for the hiring of whores apparently

Marketing Assistant for the Admiral Theatre
We are looking for a marketing assistant. Job is to take care of social networking and industry contacts as well as help with special events.

We are a Gentlemen's Club...so it is important that you are comfortable working in this sort of environment. Job requires you to work Thursday-Sat 8p-4a. Your weekends are gone as we basically need you to be on site when we are busiest to extract information from our customer base. The hours and pay are non-negotiable. You do make a few tips from the parties that you put together but nothing huge. This job is perfect for any college students looking to learn about marketing and nightclub marketing in a fun, real world environment.  Compensation: $9 an hour.

_____________

it should be noted that this is the club that placed a HUGE billboard on Lincoln and Addison with the charming tagline: 'why see only half?'

so to recap:  sleaze club, no weekends, no tips, no negotiations and it would be best if you were still in college.

oh yeah, pay is fucking $9 an hour (obv.).

_____________

UPDATE (11/29):  HAHAHAHAHAHA they're still looking!!!

Asshole executive hiring professional whore with no baggage

Personal Assistant Needed (Downtown)

---

Busy media executive is seeking a superstar personal assistant with no baggage, but likes to travel. An attractive female is preferred, whose personality can make a good impression with corporate executives. MUST have superior skills with a PC and Mac, understands the power of social networking, honesty and can take responsibility for their own actions. Above average salary commensurate with experience! Please send a recent photo along with a resume, so we can put a face with a name. Contact via email only:   job-cuqxz-2480230124@craigslist.org
____________

i should apply, no?

and yeah, that's the real e-mail...  i leave the rest to you.

IMMEDIATE POSSITION: part time Office manager

not much to add here really, except:

$9 to start

and of course the obligatory asshole requirement after making 'excellent English' error:

* Ability to articulate ideas in a clear, concise manner through use of excellent English written and verbal communication skills.

Maker of acrylic walk-in bathtubs

may require a criminal background check and a drug test.

company uses acronyms irresponsibly, thinks maybe it is the fucking pentagon.

i don't even really need to comment do i?

Business Development Associate (Chicago)
'CompanyIMadeUpHere' is seeking a Business Development Associate (BDA) for our Sales team. This position will work closely with the Managing Director (MD) of Mergers & Acquisitions (M&A) and the Business Development Managers (BDM) to help build and cultivate relationships with potential Merger & Acquisitions (M&A) and Consulting Clients.

The responsibilities of the individual in this position include:
• Work directly with the MD of M&A in identifying potential sell-side targets for our various buy-side Clients.
• Partner with the Business Development Manager (BDM) to maximize market penetration and increase Clients.
• Develop and maintain new and existing relationships with Clients via telephone.

i think what i like most in all of this jargon-y fabulous-ness is how 'Clients' is capitalized.  like for some reason capitalizing will confer the requisite fairy dust and make Client happy - and spendy.

does this job posting make you think of other things?

here is the offer: 

Assistant - $4800/m

---

Assistant - $4800/m

This position is part-time Monday - Friday, 10am - 2pm. Candidate must be able to work in a fast passed team environment. Provide full office support including all general office duties. Candidate should be outgoing and have a sense of urgency to get the job done.

Please send resume or cover letter with contact info to : somethingimadeuphere.com

---

research reveals it's:

a 'transport company'

based in russia

all package handling is done manually

clients are in UAE, kazakhstan, pakistan, iran

i'm tots fucking applying for this job.  sorry sid.

HAHAHAHAHA company requires "automated phone-based interview"

for $15 / hour administrative assistant job. 

fuck yeah i applied:

I have a wide variety of skills and experiences.  I also have a driver’s license.  I hope you’ll consider my resume and I look forward to your automated phone based interview.

i will of course post any resultant interview.  (*rubs hands with glee*).  what is it with these $10-$15 an hour assholes?  require fucking security level clearance...

UPDATE: HAHAHAHAHAHA i haz fucking been approved!!

i will return soon mes pauvres: we will be VICTORIOUS!

Water cooler supervisor few hours/week

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2011-02-25, 11:48PM CST
Reply to: somethingimadeuphere@craigslist.org

Water cooler supervisor few hours/week.  For only few hours weekly we are offering a one time opportunity.

whoah whoa whoa, wtf???? 

ok, let's try and parse this fucking thing, shall we?

• why do water coolers require supervision?
• why do water coolers require supervision only a few hours every week?
• if (as the legend has it) employees assemble around water coolers, who is supervising whom?
• if employees do indeed congregate, why can't they do the water cooler supervising?
• are you offering this opportunity for only a few hours?
• are you offering an opportunity that only requires a few hours?
• how can you be offering a 'one time only opportunity' every week?

this is just so complicated we think we will pass on the job offer.  also, it's fucking water cooler supervision...

"Immediate Opportunity: Documentatin Specialist"

yeah clearly, you need 'documentatin' help.


it is, however less clear why you require a fucking bachelor of science degree.

company thinks picture of board room is unique job selling point

this is a special posting - though certainly not due to the resolutely non-committal job title
Marketing Specialist


also, cliches, bad grammar, run-on sentences and subject / verb disagreements are wearyingly common (too many to highlight, below. just read it outloud and see if that sounds like any actual english-speaking person speaking actual english).
We are looking for a TALENTED and HARDWORKING individual responsible in the developing and evaluation of effective lead measurements and produce metrics for return on marketing projects analyses and data collection. Our trainee will assist in our 360 lead funnel solution. Serious compensation. base salaries, bonuses, commissions, overrides, closing commissions. Growth compensation.(i get paid to get fat?)

but no, no the true beauty in this posting is the picture - the picture of the boardroom with the portrait of a dude.



i can tell you, this is a place i fucking want to work.

there is almost nothing about this posting that i understand.

PRESSURE WASHING SYSTEMS - Job Fair for Management.

pressure washing job fair? pressure washing job fair for management?

Where: William Tell Hotel

the william tell hotel? pressure washing at the william tell hotel??

Positions Available:
Operations Manager
Administrative Personnel
Sales Manager / Director
Maintenance Director

pressure washing sales managing? pressure washing personnel?

still! pressure washing does not appear to be like those other assholes! we like!!!

today's inexplicable job posting

The job title is:

Do You Believe in Eduction?


and - after the customary typo in the second sentence (POSITVE ATTITUDE) - this one has all the usual "customer focused, results-driven, committed to delivering the highest level of customer service while exceeding goals" blather, but then this mystery:


INTERVIEW GUIDELINES
Please allow 2 to 3 hours for the interview.
Wear business attire. Khakis, full length slacks or business skirts.
NO Excessive jewelry. NO visible tattoos or piercings.
Bring two IDs.
Please bring a copy of your resume.
Business etiquette required.
CANDIDATES WHO ARE NOT DRESSED APPROPRIATELY WILL NOT BE INTERVIEWED.
______


see, this is for a telemarketing firm that sells fucking cable subscriptions. the fuck are you going to talk to a prospective telemarketing job candidate about for three hours? and that excessive jewelry? those tats??? who's going to see that? and this education that we might or might not believe in? how is that fucking involved with selling cable fucking subscriptions??


oh and yeah. $8.50-11 per hour.

Posting of the day: Extremely organized part-time office assistant (Near West Side)

Today's asshole WIN:
________________________________________

Extremely organized part-time office assistant (Near West Side)

Date: 2011-02-14, 10:23PM CST
Reply to: job-somethingImadeupheere@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

The first indication of how appropriate you may be for this job with this small friendly importer will be your ability to follow instructions. (See below.) We are a small, high-level professional staff that runs very efficiently and are interested in exceptional applicants who enthusiastically want to contribute to our business, while learning many skills in logistics, marketing, customer service and general business. This position involves phone answering, filing, data entry, spreadsheets, customer service, shipment processing as well as several other tasks. You should be the kind of person who takes pride in any job, and always wants to do it well, with a positive attitude. Your phone manner should be friendly, smooth and articulate. We need you for 3 full days a week, 9-5, and consider this position permanent part-time. Because training is involved, we would like a person who would like to stay for a year minimum.

The pay is $11 per hour.
well for starters, for $11 per hour you don’t get to fucking talk to me that way.

Since we have gotten hundreds of inappropriate resumes from Craigslist, please follow these instructions.
sorry about all that, but craigslist is well, craigsfucking list. You paid $25 for this posting. Maybe if you want higher quality postings you should hook up with ‘the ladders’ or something?

1) Do not randomly post a reply to this ad. You won't be considered.
What does 'randomly post a reply to this ad' even fucking mean? reply to the ad you placed on craigslist? what, are people linking to ‘keyboard cat’ or something?

(just in case and if you haven't, you really should):
keyboard cat
also: this is an $11 an hour job. Blow me.

Write a cover letter (without spelling errors) that convinces us why we should consider hiring you.
this is an $11 an hour job. Blow me.

we know you want to further your career or improve your skills.
this is an $11an hour job. Blow me.

What do you have to offer us?
this is an $11 an hour job. Blow me.

Sales skills are important. Persuade us.
this is an $11 an hour job, etc.

(If you do not include a cover letter, your email will be deleted.) Your cover letter should be "embedded" and be in the body of the email NOT an attachment.
as opposed to being embedded and not being in the body in the email? seriously, live by the sword, die by the sword motherfuckers.

The cover letter should be tailored to this particular job. If you can't make the time to do this, then you aren't making the effort required for the job.
what amount of effort is worth an $11 an hour job we wonder?

2) You must have office experience. If you don't, please don't apply. You should also have a college degree.
college degrees at private universities cost somewhere around $35,000 annually. you are offering us around $12,100.

3) We care about attention to detail. That means we will be looking at your cover letter and resume as evidence of your meticulous nature. Don't include spelling errors. Make sentences grammatically correct.
so, for instance, don’t use 'understood predicates' in a formal job posting as you have in the above sentence?

Format nicely, this is indicative of your computer skills.
formatting in word 2003 is not really indicative of our computer skills.

We deal with a high-end clientele who cares about these things
ok so Grammar Chick here: you are restricting a category in the above sentence. You need the relative pronoun ‘that’ not 'who'. also: 'high end clientele sounds like eliott spitzer.

4) We would prefer all resumes to be in the body of the email as well. But if you must send it as an attachment, we will accept only .doc extension (not .docx)
jesus christ 'doxc' was introduced in like, what? 2007. download a bloody FREE converter. or, i don't know, maybe GET OFFICE 7? it's fucking 2011...

or pdf files
cause I want you to be able to modify and/or copy anything I send you .

All attachments must be named with your name so that we can track them easily . . . not "resume" or some cute nickname that matches your email. (Preferably, all email addresses should also be professionally named.)
$11 an hour etc.

5) If your schedule can not accommodate 3 full days a week (during the Monday to Friday work week), please do not apply.
$11 an hour etc.


6) You must know Word and Excel, and preferably, Quickbooks. If you don't, once again, please don't apply.
$11 an hour etc. also: quickbooks is like my fucking grandmother's accounting software.


7) We have published the pay. That is the compensation. If you need to make more money, this job is not for you.
so yeah. you get absolved for this bullshit b/c you've published the pay. and yeah, i think this a thing we can agree on: probably not a mutually rewarding relationship.

We are darn proud of every member of our team because they're all that good. If that sounds like you, terrific! We'd love to meet you!
i wish there was a way to actually parody those statements.

Thank you.
You’re welcome
____________

keep coming back mes pauvres! we will be victorious

job hunting with a foul mouth. and some shakespeare.

yeah, i don't know a flying fuck all about getting a job.

i'm over-educated (random Chicago degrees), overly privileged (north shore of some american city), over paid and over 40.

I’ve worked my whole life, mostly worked hard. But now, I need another fucking job.

Again.

This is the story of that quest.

it's not necessarily going well.